Whyyyyyyy do I constantly struggle with this on and off again relationship with St. Louis???? Instead of birthday plans, I’m plotting moves. Where to this time? My soul seeks. My spirit wrestles. I know all too well about happiness coming from within, but I’m not so sure I should discount my surroundings. Places do contain energy. Is not where I live connected to how I feel?
St. Louis is….oooooooh….I don’t know! Shit! It is constantly up and down for me. Here is what I do know for sure: I don’t do much when I’m here. My home is my haven. It is really more like a security blanket. I can go to any other city and immediately make connections and meet opportunities. That’s not to say that St. Louis has not served me well professionally, but personally and socially, it lacks something! And it just can’t be me!
Like, there is something soooooo oppressive here. It’s hard to dream and think BIG! I don’t feel free and open! Yes, there are cultural and artistic things happening but when I attend them, the vibe is either too haughty or too cold, and I need it just right! Too much to ask? And if that wasn’t bad enough, most of my extended family lives here, but we’re no longer as close as we use to be as a family. My mother is really the closest family I have, and even our relationship can be too much at times.
Due that we are currently in my astrological season, I might just feel my waters changing. For these past five or six years, I have been satisfied with St. Louis as my home base and just taking trips here and there. But now that urge to GET OUT is upon me!
My mom and home are really the only two reasons for remaining planted here. If I wasn’t afraid to lose my house as a bigger investment payoff or a place to always return to after exploring, I might convince my mother to let go of all the junk she keeps as security and to live as gypsies. I could literally maintain a massage-on-the-go business and pursue freelance writing gigs while my mom treasure hunts and collects pieces to resell.
Or has the complacency of comfort food, familiar faces, a cool neighborhood and a “good job” gotten the best of me? I honestly don’t know. The older I get, the more I feel I should settle down, but my heart and spirit are still youthful! I want to live among an eclectic group of brown artsy people who speak different languages, who cook different foods, who dance to different music, who practice different religions, but who live close and comfortably enough to share and integrate peacefully and beautifully. That’s not asking too much. When I find it, I will end this back and forth relationship with St. Louis and leave it behind me for good!